Gambling Addiction a Symptom of Pastor's Inner Struggle

CHANDLER, AZ (May 6, 2002) - It sounded absolutely harmless at the time. A friend had invited pastor Duane Cross to go to a local casino with him. Cross didn't think much about it. After all, they were just 25-cent video poker slot machines.

Cross had fun that night, so much so that he decided to go again. Months later, however, going to the casino had become an obsession for the Covenant pastor and his life was spiraling out of control.

Admitting that he had a gambling addiction, Cross resigned as senior pastor at Roseville Covenant Church in Roseville, Minnesota. The Covenant Board of the Ordered Ministry removed Cross from active ministry for a time of healing and reorientation in 1997. Cross was restored to active ministry in 2000 and currently serves as pastor at Hope Covenant Church in Chandler, Arizona.

"I know about addictions enough to know that I constantly have to be aware (of them)," Cross said. "But I know that God has done a deep work in my soul to help me deal with some of this stuff. Every day I wake up and thank God that I have my life back and I thank God I have a church I can be a part of and a church that loves me. It's just a wonderful gift of grace."

Cross grew up in San Diego's East County and played football at San Diego State University. He worked as an engineer before being called into ministry. Cross said his life began to unravel in 1989 when his 10-year-old son, Tyler, was killed after being hit on his bicycle by a car. Cross, who was the pastor at Grace Covenant Church in Lakewood, Colorado, at the time, and his wife, Sheri, struggled with the death and the events surrounding it.

"I was always in control in my life, I had always been successful, no matter what I did," Cross said. "Now, all of a sudden, I was out of control and I started a lot of compulsive and obsessive behavior."

At the suggestion of a counselor, Cross and his family moved to Minnesota in 1990 to try and start over. It didn't help. Cross says he was a different man in Minnesota and he looked the part, gaining 125 pounds and spending inordinate amounts of time at a local casino, beginning in 1995. He believes that he had a hole in his life - the loss of Tyler - and he didn't allow Jesus to fill it. It would prove to be his downfall for a long time.

Like many gamblers, early success was a trap he couldn't get out of. "One of the first times I went, I won a jackpot of $1,000," said Cross. "I thought that this was easy and probably over the course of my gambling, I probably won 20 jackpots, although I usually spent the money I won by the end of the night. But think of all of the money I spent. I never lost a big amount (more than $200) in one night, but we were on a budget and I had two kids in college. And I got in credit card debt."

In order to visit the casinos two or three times per week, Cross began coming up with more and more elaborate game plans in order to keep his wife and the church from knowing his whereabouts.

"I believe that gambling wasn't my problem - deception was. Gambling was the way it played out. I always felt excited about going, excited about doing it and (even if he won) I felt terrible going home because I knew what I had done. No matter how I wept or prayed to God to take this addiction away from me, it wasn't more than a day or two when I was thinking about how to get some money and figuring out how to get back there."

While Cross hid his secret from the 250-member congregation, conflict was brewing within the church. Rick Carlson was a member of the church at the time and a friend of Cross - he helped with worship leading while working in denominational ministries as music and worship coordinator. As he recalls what was going on in 1997 at Roseville Covenant, he can see how Cross' problems allowed the church to deal with some other deep hurts that would threaten future ministry there.

"When Duane was spinning out of control, the church itself was not very healthy," said Carlson, who currently serves as the Roseville Covenant's lead pastor. "There was an elephant in the room and no one was talking about it - and it wasn't all about Duane. It (the church) had its own issues to deal with and it became apparent after Duane resigned that we had a lot to do to restore our confidence in God."

In the summer of 1997, the church had a board meeting and the board considered voting to remove Cross. Carlson said that a board member asked other members not to remove Cross and the vote was tabled. Instead, the church offered Cross a care sabbatical and asked Carlson to become an interim pastor specializing in Children and Family ministry. He was later asked to become lead pastor for the church.

If that vote had been taken, it would have split the church," Carlson said. "We had sold our old building and we were getting ready to build a three-million dollar building. We were leaving our old building in a month and were going to worship Sunday evenings at Salem Covenant. But we didn't know what was going on. All we knew was that things were not going happily with some people."

Roseville Covenant sent Cross to Marble Retreat in Colorado, where the truth came out about his gambling addiction. "I went there under the auspices that the church was picking on me, but I was the problem," Cross said. "I finally confessed to my wife what was happening and then resigned."

Cross said that his long road to healing has been aided by the friendship of people like Jim Sundholm, the associate superintendent of the Northwest Conference of the Evangelical Covenant Church. "He was my care person for the conference and in a lot of ways he was my savior. He would speak to me with words of truth - he told me it was my responsibility to get under control - and with his forthrightness - I took marriage and family counseling, went to Gamblers Anonymous and began the healing process."

The Board of (Ordered) Ministry believed Cross needed an extended time out of active ministry to regroup. It was difficult for Cross to "sit on the sidelines" with regards to pastoral duties, but he believes that his two years away helped him re-center his life on God and work through issues pertaining to his addiction. "Many of the ones on the Board of Ministry were people I went to seminary with," he said. "I was humiliated. I was in denial, thinking, 'Okay, I've admitted it, so just spank me on the hand and let me get another church.' But when the board said in 1998 that I would be out of ministry (for a second year), I was shocked and flabbergasted and floored that they didn't see my sincerity."

Cross became a courier for a local company and spent much of his driving time in prayer. He has become more attuned to his need for prayer since becoming Hope Covenant's senior pastor. He is also aware that "I no longer need the approval of people like I used to. And I no longer have the desire to connect myself only with people who seem to be successful, which I used to do. I want to be just as open and pastoral and loving to a bum that walks into our church as I do with a key member."

Along with a new perspective on ministry, Cross has found joy in friends and family - he considers that one of his biggest sources of thankfulness. He has been married more than three decades, his two adult children are a vital part of his life and his grandchildren give him joy. Moreover, he is part of a thriving congregation that has shown more grace than Cross ever expected.

"They called me in spite of me," he said. "They didn't seem to care that I was broken; they seemed to care that I was ready to be their pastor."

Cross and associate pastor Brad Kindall say they want Hope Covenant to be "a church that looks like Jesus." Kindall believes that the willingness of Cross to share his story has aided that process. "I think we have drawn a lot of people that are broken and recognize their brokenness," said Kindall. "I think that stems from Duane's authenticity as a leader."

While Cross has healed, so has Roseville Covenant, said Carlson. The church had no building for nine months and the congregation worshiped at Salem Covenant in New Brighton on Sunday afternoons. The new building is finished, however, and attendance has doubled. Carlson calls his congregation's transformation a modern day reminder of how God can restore broken vessels.

"God did some amazing things to remind us of who we are," he said. "Over the next two years, when Duane was out of ministry, we were in a flux. There was still debate as to what we were going to do. There was a debate about a new pastor. There were the many building questions and our congregation was down to 150 (from 300). By God's grace our worship is now 500. But the most important part of the story is that we dealt with healing the past two years.

A poignant opportunity for restoration occurred in the summer of 2000 when the Cross family was invited by Carlson to attend a Sunday evening prayer service at Roseville Covenant.

"The church knew essentially that this would mark an end to a chapter in Duane's life and the church's," Carlson recalled. "Duane got up and spoke about grace, how God had walked with him through two years in the desert. We had prayer and communion and you could almost see the page turning to the next chapter. We were able, by God's grace, to move on.

"The scars are still there and will be there," Carlson continued. "But the church has absolutely moved on and celebrated Duane's restoration. He is missed and his ministry had a huge impact. But there is healthy spiritual leadership, good staff that were wise in many areas and spirit-led leadership from the Northwest Conference. (Superintendent) Paul Erickson gave strong leadership, caring leadership and was not afraid to say what needed to be said."

Hope Covenant Church recently celebrated a groundbreaking ceremony for a $1.4 million building project that will include a sanctuary that seats more than 400. With construction set to be completed this fall, Cross and Hope Covenant seem to have a budding ministry that can blossom in Chandler, a city of 168,000 that has tripled in population during the past decade. But future success isn't the concern for Cross. He would rather be faithful. And he knows that only faithfulness will help him remain free of his addictions.

"It has made me more responsive and receptive to grace in my life and the lives of other people," he said. "I try to no longer to prop up my image. I no longer try to project an image of something I'm not - being successful and competent and all of those things that were really important that people see in me. I no longer have this deep desire to have this drive me. If I'm competent (now), it's because God is using me. If I'm successful, it's because I'm being faithful."

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