Columbine Counselor Reflects on Tragedy

LITTLETON, CO (February, 2000) - "You intended to harm me, but God has intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, that is the saving of many lives." - Genesis 50:20

On April 20, 1999, two youths clad in dark ski masks and long black coats fired handguns at will and tossed pipe bombs into crowds of terrified students at Columbine High School in Littleton, Colorado. Eventually, the two youths killed 13 of their classmates before killing themselves, shocking the nation.

In the hours immediately following the shootings, Centennial Covenant Church youth pastor Ryan Ashley counseled families and students at a local elementary school, trying to provide comfort during a time of uncertainty. Later, he would learn that two other individuals who were part of the Centennial Covenant congregation, Amanda Meyer and Dr. Don Conner, were profoundly impacted by what happened that day. Meyer's friend, Cassie Bernal, was one of the 13 students killed by the attackers. Conner was one of those who treated victims of the tragedy as a trauma surgeon at Swedish Medical Center in nearby Englewood.

The tragedy at Columbine High continued to capture national attention for months afterward. The varsity football team at Columbine High remembered their classmates as they won the state's large-school title. Another bomb threat was made to Columbine High via the internet by a Florida resident. As 1999 ended, the shooting at Columbine High was the most closely followed news story in America, according to a Pew Research Study, an event that gripped the fiber of the nation.

Following are the recollections of Ashley as he processed the months following the Columbine High tragedy.

In some ways, summer was almost like a break from it all. After what happened at Columbine, there was a huge sense of fear. When summer came, there was a huge break from it all.

At times, I chose the strong-fa_ade approach - and maybe it seemed like I had it all together emotionally. Right after the tragedy, there were a lot of tears, however. I remember going to a high school graduation and afterwards, on the drive back, listening to a Christian song. Everything came back to me and I cried as I went back to church.

There have been many rallies pertaining to what happened at Columbine High, and I had mixed feelings about them. It seemed to me that we (the Christian community) were almost trying to spotlight our own ministries in light of this. It was almost a race to see who could do the first rally, to capitalize on this tragedy. For a while, I was receiving six fliers a week for those rallies. I was more encouraged by the rallies that were student-led - I sometimes wish we as youth pastors would just train our kids and get out of the way.

But, we dealt with a lot this summer, especially with Amanda Meyer, experiencing her emotional ups and downs. It never went away. She had good days and bad days. We went to Rancho Sus Ninos, an orphanage in Mexico, for a missions trip and Amanda got a chance to give her testimony of the events at Columbine. That was good for her. It gave her a chance to verbalize the experience to a large group, and it was good for our group to see the good that Amanda had seen through it. Our own community could begin to take this tragedy and see the good from it. And it was amazing that so many others, even outside of our country, knew about the tragedy.

Whenever we remove ourselves from our community, it seems like God's voice is easier to hear and you're able to process things more clearly. Down at the orphanage, I think that happened to me. Amanda and I chatted a few times, and on that last day, we had a time of encouragement. Amanda started talking about the day at Columbine and mentioned how thankful she was when I was there. She remembered (on the day of the shooting) how she found me at the elementary school and I remember crying as I thought of that time.

On a personal level, there was such an enormous burden, a burden I couldn't do anything to help. There was such a large need on a student level, on a corporate level within the Christian community. And there was such a window of opportunity that came and went. It was such an emotional drain that the summer almost lacked any spark for me. I facilitated the events, I organized them, but when I was there, I sometimes felt "checked out" emotionally. It wasn't that I had no love, it was just that I couldn't reach out like I wanted. The cup was empty, so to speak. It's caused me to search for that deep reservoir to tap into again. It's forced me to delve deep into my own prayer life. There's a lot of watering that needs to take place to quench that thirst I have. It's been a long, hot summer with no water, although it isn't that I have any doubts about God.

The last thing I want to do is burn out physically. There's a guy at church who's a trainer, and he has taken my wife Angela and me through a three-times-per-week weight training course - and it's been great when I've been stressed to just pump iron. And spiritually, I've changed over the past few months. Worship for me has been different - it's more intense and it's given me more connection to God. Through praising God, I'm able to connect at a deeper level. I'm not a singer, but the words to songs have impacted me more in the past four or five months.

I've felt a greater need to pray and rely on God more because of what's happened. I read Jim Cymbala's book, Fresh Wind, Fresh Fire, and it's been helpful because it's helped reaffirm the need for God to take charge and not to rely on our own efforts. I've had to remember that God works despite us, despite our programs. I was reminded about the power of prayer through a Bible passage, 1 Samuel 12:23. "As for me, far be it for me that I should sin against the Lord by failing to pray for you and I will teach you the way that's good and right." That passage just struck me as to how important it is that we pray for those in our care, those entrusted to us and our ministry.

There's been a great deal of encouragement by many people in this church. There have been a lot of notes and cards, but even more there have been a lot of one-on-one conversations where people have thanked me for what I've done. Obviously, Angela has been a great encouragement for me. She'll see when I'm feeling burned out or not ready to act socially and she's able to shield me from people. She's a great listener and a good encourager; she's been able to offer a lot of comfort. My parents (Wes and Kathy) and my brother and sister-in-law (Doug and Julie Lynn) have been supportive, too. And it's been great sometimes to play with my daughter Sidney (19 months old) when I'm down.

Our senior pastor Steve Thulson has been very encouraging and involved in the well-being of our ministry and with me as well. He's given a lot of chances for our youth to shine during the past five months. He's understood how important it is to be involved. And he's been involved in Amanda's life also.

When I think about how our youth group has changed, there are a lot of kids I could talk about; as a whole I think our youth group has gotten a greater awareness of the spiritual battle that goes on with keeping God first in their life. This year, we've seen so much desire for students to start student prayer groups at school and I think that it's a growing desire to begin to establish Christianity and spirituality on campus. We've told our students that if there isn't a prayer group on campus to start one and students are finding, to their utter shock, who the other Christians are on their campus. Now we've got student leaders who before wouldn't even come to youth group. That's been exciting. And our numbers have grown because our students seem to want to have other students get involved in our group. It isn't anything we've done programmatically.

Our youth ministries program has had a different focus in the past year and I think that prepared us somewhat for the spiritual growth that's happened after Columbine. Before, it was a game, a talk type of ministry; now, we feel like we've been more of a training ground for students and that schools were a mission ground for our students. I don't think the students believed that before but now they do.

Editor's note: Craig Pinley is a reporter in the Department of Communication of the Evangelical Covenant Church. See the April issue of The Covenant Companion for an updated story.

Printable version of this page.